10 Things Stopping You From Having Lasting Relationships.

Ropa Duwati
12 Min Read
Portrait of Happy Afro American couple outdoor

Have you ever wondered why you are always in pursuit of “the love of your life”, someone you can settle down with? Everyone wants to have that one special person they cherish and build a new life with. In that journey, however, you could find yourself overthinking the whole “soul mate” issue and you start pursuing every individual you get to meet all in the name of “finding the one”. 

There are so many different factors that could have been and are still deterring you from settling down with one person, you probably met that one individual way back but the worst happened and you were left alone in despair, and now you’re trying to find your way back and trying to build something special with someone else.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone who you will spend the rest of your life with, however, there has to be a limit to it. Do you really think you will be in a position to fully commit if you are always on the run, rushing to put that engagement ring on, rushing to introduce him to your family when you barely know him? Take a step back and go through this list with me. While you’re at it, ask yourself where you have been getting it all wrong. You know you have been taking the wrong avenue if a habit of yours is listed here. So, as you seek to build a healthy and long-lasting relationship, do yourself a favour and ponder on this before you take your next step.

2) You don’t fall in love with yourself first. A lot of people are trying to find compassion and love in other people. You are trying to fill a void that exists within you by making it a point that the void will and only has to be filled by the person you find yourself with, which is wrong. In as much as you yearn for a companion, you have to realize today that you need to date yourself first before you get on with anyone else. This probably sounds odd but it’s a fact. Fall in love with yourself first. Date yourself first, and fall in love with every bit of you. Accept yourself just as you are. Get to know yourself more, take yourself out, and just do the nicest things for you –FIRST. When loving yourself well, you are more capable of loving someone else even better!

Stop overcompensating! When you do something wrong and apologize for it yet you still feel guilty, you might end up thinking you need to right your wrongs with the help of some kind gestures. It’s totally okay to spoil your partner or to do something special just to apologize but there is no need to take it too far. If you apologize once, earnestly, then there is no further need for you to keep apologizing countless times, buying gifts excessively just to show that you are sorry. Stop overcompensating for all your wrongdoings.

You’re way too controlling. There’s a fine line between truly loving and caring about someone and being unnecessarily controlling. Many people try so hard to control their partners and that in turn pushes them away. Is it insecurity? Are you worried that you could suddenly lose your partner or you are scared that they’ll leave you for someone else? Grow secure and confident, not only in yourself but in your relationship as well. You’re only sabotaging your relationship if you’re always on a need to know when it comes to your partner’s whereabouts and what they get up to. Not everyone tolerates such behaviour.

 You’re a good liar, but your partner sees right through you. At times you may think you are really fooling your partner by telling ridiculous lies but listen, you’re fooling no one at all. When you get into a relationship, you need to realize and accept that transparency and honesty are key characteristics that will help your relationship work. People lie because the truth might be too awkward to tell or in some cases they lie for absolutely no reason. Whatever reason it may be, lying still takes away trust and that’s something you don’t need in your relationship. In as much as you can deny it, the fact is your partner can tell when you’re lying. If you want that relationship to last, quit your lying habits today!

You’re dating your partner’s friends. I understand that your friends should know your partner but where do you draw the line? Many individuals lost the people that really loved them the moment they decided to entirely involve friends in their relationships. It’s perfectly fine to be on talking terms with your partner’s friends – that’s being courteous; the problem comes when you’re overly familiar with the friends. In some instances, your partner might be okay with that but in most cases that kind of behaviour is just a red flag. A certain level of respect needs to be present and boundaries need to be set when it comes to involving friends and the outside world in your relationship. If you fail to set boundaries now, then best believe that there will be no limit at all when it comes to how your partner and friends interact, unless if the partner does set boundaries from the get-go.

Apparently, you’re always right. Many people have trouble accepting when they are wrong. They can never put their ego aside, be it in arguments or just general conversations. This is one of the main issues that continue to destroy so many relationships. Remember this; a relationship is more like a partnership, both parties can never fully move forward if arguments always go unresolved. Put your pride aside. Accept when you’re wrong.

Your ego won’t let you say “SORRY” The problem with many people nowadays is that they never apologize even when they know that they are wrong. Their egos just won’t let them act contrite no matter what the situation may be. With that type of character, you can’t expect your relationship to last when you can’t put your pride aside, ignore your ego and just apologize, sincerely.  Learn to extend an olive branch whenever you can. Learn to bury the hatchet when your partner does anything that makes you tick. Learn to apologize even when you’re not wrong. Apologizing does not mean you’re wrong but it clearly shows your level of maturity and how much you want to move past that disagreement.

You’re showing signs of negligence to your partnerPeople are complicated and you can never get to understand what ever causes the changes in human behaviour over time. Like most people when they meet someone new, you can be ecstatic, especially during the first couple of weeks as you get to know each other. As time goes by, you get used to that person and you might stop showing the excitement you had when you met. At times it’s not that you have stopped caring, but the issue just comes as a result of over-familiarization. You might take a step back and start displaying signs of negligence and some months down the line, it seems like the norm. However, this can put your partner off and push them away from you. As hectic as it might seem, be the same person you were when you first met your partner. Stop neglecting your partner. Check in on them as much. Stay on the same wave as you were when you first met. They will appreciate that.

You’re entertaining other peopleContentment. Satisfaction. These words have got to be more than “words” when you are in a relationship. You have to be content. You need to be satisfied and filled with utmost joy whenever you think about your partner. The reason why many people end up losing great partners is that they keep on entertaining other people which gives off a sense of dissatisfaction towards their partners. Once you get into a relationship, stop entertaining other people!

You aren’t driven.When you are getting to know your partner, you probably talk a lot. It’s during that time that you learn about your partner, their personality, habits, quirks, goals, etc. It’s also during that time that many people lose interest once they figure out that the “partner” is not goal oriented and has no vision. Each person has goals, things they want to do before they reach a certain age, places they want to visit, etc. In some cases, the long term goals don’t even exist, you could find out that the person you see yourself with puts too much enthusiasm in “living in the moment” and forgets to look at the bigger picture which is the future. Being driven does not end at having a vision, it also encompasses taking the necessary steps to make sure that the vision comes to life. Do yourself a favour and get your vision right. Not a single soul wants to be stuck with someone who has no goals whatsoever.

The next time you find yourself in a relationship, be sure to make use of these tips.

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Ropa Duwati is a writer and blogger. A certified life coach and coach mentor passionate about personal development.